Pumpkins and Pausing

I bought two mini pumpkins to use for a Halloween party game at my son’s school. When I got them home, I placed them on the mantle for safe keeping. A soothing sense of calm washed over me when I saw how those little pumpkins complimented the existing decorations. The Autumn magnificence inspired me to take a picture and post it on social media with a clever caption of “Sometimes it’s the little things, like mini pumpkins, that remind you to pause.”

Later that day I received, what seemed to be, a condescending text from a friend that said “Mini pumpkins? Pausing?”. Confused by her feedback, I questioned myself. Did I sound fake? Does she not know anything about me?

The ME I know is all about mini pumpkins, pausing, and deep thinking. I love my motivational and inspirational books and I know that SHE doesn’t. I know she doesn’t because she told me, and I listened. I can relate to many of the things that she talks about, but when I make an effort to talk about something outside of our common interests, she rolls her eyes and says something like “seriously?”. So, I back-out and simply collaborate on the things that interest her and avoid delving into my personal pursuits. Now, she thinks it’s bizarre that I would post about pumpkins and pausing.

I failed in revealing myself to her. 

Feeling like I wanted to hide under a rock, I responded with “LOL…I thought the pumpkins were cute, so I had to take a picture”. That was the truth, but the preface of “LOL” was designed to camouflage my insecurity.

Surprised by how a simple text message made me feel so small, I did some reflecting and knew I couldn’t blame my friend. She didn’t have bad intentions. That’s just the story I told myself to fuel my insecurities. The lack of confidence I have in who I am isn’t going away without me shining a light on it…so here I am writing about it. LOL!

What I should be saying to my friend is “thank you for calling me out on what you thought was a fraudulent representation of myself”. Because what I believe she was asking me in that three-word text was, “Who are you? And why are you posting things that don’t represent who you are? Why don’t I know this about you?”

Those damn mini pumpkins inspired me to be vulnerable and when I was called out, I felt shame. I’m sorry that she doesn’t know the more sensitive side of me, but I’ve decided that I will continue to voluntarily withhold myself from her because it doesn’t feel safe. I want to be proud of who I am, but I don’t want to have to defend it during our twice a year lunch dates. When she’s perplexed and doesn’t appreciate one of my posts, I will understand why and take the blame. Our conversations will continue to be cherry picked to fit her needs in the name of our lifelong friendship, but she is missing out on me.

I will no longer feel diminished because I don’t meet someone’s expectations. Since my choice is to avoid confrontation and stick to conversations of common interest, I won’t be offended when I am questioned. Instead, I will stand up and be proud that I put a little of myself out there, proud that I participated, and proud that I allowed myself to be vulnerable. There’s always going to be someone that doesn’t see me and it’s against my nature to make them. I’m a great listener, but every great listener needs to be heard sometimes!

Tell me this: Do you have someone in your life that doesn’t see you?