Control

What do you have control over? I ask this question just after a mind churning session of should haves, could haves, and would haves. You must know these sessions…Rewriting history in your mind with stories that would have had a different outcome if only…

As the one-year anniversary of my brother’s death approached, I found myself thinking about the circumstances surrounding it and wishing the sequence of events played out differently. I should have been there when he was speaking with the doctors and could have given different guidance. I would have asked questions that no one else thought to ask, and maybe, just maybe, the outcome would have been different.

When my imagination runs wild, I tend to forget that I didn’t have a say in the choices he was given; I wasn’t and wouldn’t have been part of the conversations with the doctor. Even if I was in the room, he would have been too. He was of sound mind, able to make his own choices and he wouldn’t have wanted to do what I would have recommended, I know he wouldn’t have. But somehow, here I am reimagining what was and beating myself up over something that I had no control over.

My thoughts go down a similar rabbit hole when I think about my mom’s life too. When she sold her house to downsize into an apartment there were a few weeks where she needed a place to stay. She opted to move into an Extended Stay hotel room not far from me. When I rethink those days, I think about how I should have had her stay with me, she could have stayed in the guest bedroom, and we would have separated her cat from mine. It would have been a perfectly good solution, except that the biggest part of the equation, my mom, didn’t want that. She was an independent woman who would rather have lived in a tent than move in with me. She enjoyed the hotel and the people she met there.

When downtime comes and I start rethinking things I didn’t have full control of, I try to remind myself that when dealing with someone else’s life, someone else’s decisions, no matter how much I love them, it’s not my place to make choices. The choices other people need to make are not my business. I can let them know my thoughts, but ultimately, they get to pick what’s best for them.

And you know what? Realizing that most things I worry and beat myself up over are out of my control is freeing. Having the understanding that we all have our own lives to live – every one of us in the same boat – figuring it out, gives me a peaceful feeling. Individually, we have very little control over most things, so we may as well focus on what we can control in our own life and leave everyone else be.

Let it go, let it be, let them eat cake and then, let freedom ring! 

Tell me this: What do you really have control over?