Used to Be

I don’t know exactly when it started, but lately I’ve been spending a lot of time looking in the rearview mirror.

Thoughts of ‘used to be’ weighed heavily on my mind, so much so that I would sometimes lose sight of what is.

I’ve lived in the same general area my entire life, so when I pass places like an antique store that my mom and I loved to go to, I couldn’t help but think that ‘used to be’ This Old House.

Many of my neighbors bought their homes brand new in the late 1960s or early 70s. They raised their children here and chose to stay throughout their retirement. A few on either side of me are gone now, leaving their spouses behind. Walking around the neighborhood, it’s easy to see who’s missing and think about the one who loved to garden, the one who loved his cars, and the one who loved to say hello as I walked past.

Intellectually, I know that the past is the past and nothing can be done to bring it back. But songs, scents, pictures, memories of loved ones and ‘the good ole’ days’ –  anything that reminded me of what used to be made me sad. The prolonged time that I spent looking back started to make nostalgia feel heavy.

And then I took a walk on a random Tuesday during my lunch break. A bluebird abruptly flew in front of me, breaking my train of thought and drawing my attention to a quieter presence – a cardinal sitting on a tree branch. Cardinals always remind me of my loved ones who have passed. As soon as my eyes met that beautiful red creature, I had an epiphany.

What used to be doesn’t have to overshadow what is, because I carry what was with me.

Everything that was important to me from my past – my loved ones, my babies, places that no longer exist – can all be wrapped up in one word: Love. And love, well, I always carry that with me. These things are not gone; they are with me. During my brother’s eulogy, my niece said that he always told her that she doesn’t have to miss him because he will always be in her heart. At the time, those words didn’t resonate because the pain was too raw. But now I understand them.  

We don’t have to keep looking back because what was most important came with us.

Sometimes a short walk around the neighborhood during a lunch break on a random Tuesday is all that is needed to remember that the past is the past – the future isn’t here yet – all we have is now.

And now, we carry all the love that was and all the hope there is.